That’s WIZARD to you!
by Kaitourei
Summary: Poor, Blaise Zabini, no one knows whether he’s a she or not? Boy!Blaise battles an onslaught of horny Slytherins; gallant Gryffindors; and rumors of an Astronomy tower escapade.


**That's WIZARD to you!**

**By Kaitourei**

Blaise threw his hair back indignantly and locked his eyes forward in a fiery stare.

The nerve.

He could feel his temple pulsing.

It was typical day. Roger Davis, Ravenclaw's resident hottie, had (again) asked him on a date to Hogsmeade… How Davis had ended up in Ravenclaw was beyond him. The other man was a thick as, well, one of Hogwarts' walls and that was saying something. Even if Blaise, himself, did possess extraordinary feminine beauty there was no way in all nine hells he would have gone out with Davis, or any other male for that matter. Blaise was, contrary to common belief, male and very, very heterosexual.

Blaise stopped in front of the wall. Sure it looked like nothing, but this was the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

"Serpens," Blaise muttered the cliché password and stepped inside. It was dim and green tinted, very much like some odd, quiet, café… all that was missing was the fragrance of the muggle nicotine tainted smokes and a large stage on which psychedelics and other oddities read their poetry. Blaise liked it.

From his seat in a far corner, Theodore Nott sent Blaise a suggestive look.

Take that back, Blaise liked the common room when it was empty. Very empty.

Turning, Blaise hurried down the dark hall, toward the dormitory. He hopped it was empty, it had to be otherwise he might just have to hex the next wizard who threw him a glance… no matter what the glance meant.

It was days like these that he wondered what it would be like to turn hermit and migrate to some deserted forest in Transylvania. Peaceful probably.

Blaise kicked the door open, ignoring the pain shoot up his foot. Damn, it all.

"Millicent, if you're looking for your razor I've already returned it," Draco Malfoy's voice drawled through the darkness. Blaise raised an eyebrow, but remained silent. The young Malfoy was apparently absorbed in a magazine and hadn't looked up. Blaise was thankful.

He stepped toward his bed and threw himself forcefully onto it. Blaise unbuttoned his cloak and tore off his tie, wondering why everything seemed to happen to him. He groaned and buried his face in a comforting pillow. Draco looked up.

"Oh, it's you," he said in a disconsolate voice. "If your looking for Theodore, he's not here."

Blaise's head shot up and out of the comfortable pillow. "Why would I be looking for him?"

Draco looked up from the book again, with an arched brow. "It's common knowledge, you know. You. Him. The astronomy tower last Thursday."

"WHAT?"

Blaise pulled himself off the bed. He could forgive Malfoy for not recognizing him; after all he got up before anyone in the house and went to bed just after them. He was back early today because Roger Davis was occupying the library. But still… Theodore Nott?

"Mm hm," Malfoy said half interestedly, he glanced at Blaise with half lidded eyes. "He told everyone just how good you…"

"I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WITH HIM!" Blaise screamed and clenched his fists. He realized how much like a girl he sounded. A high voice.

"Really?" He had Draco's full attention now. "You you're not with him?"

Blaise didn't like the look on the young Malfoy's face; it was lustful. He ignored it pointedly. "I will kill that lying prat."

"Deserves it after exploiting you like that," Malfoy agreed curtly, his eyes carefully running over the other. "I could give you a few pointers on the Unforgivables. You know, over a drink or something…"

Blaise set Malfoy under his obsidian gaze, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Just what it sounds like," Malfoy smirked. Most girls screeched over just how "sexy" that smirk was, but Blaise found it look more like a lame attempt to look both attractive and sinister at the same time… something Draco Malfoy (to Blaise) was not.

"Malfoy," Blaise massaged his temple. "I would not go out with you if my life and the life of my family's, family's, family depended on it. You have Parkinson and if you haven't realized already I'm…"

"Pansy doesn't have to know," Malfoy had gotten off the bed and was approaching Blaise slowly. "Just our little secret…"

"Malfoy…" Blaise warned taking a step back. Malfoy continued forward. Blaise pushed him back in an attempt to get the message through. Malfoy was sent flailing back and Blaise glared at him. "You stupid git! I'm a…"

"What the hell was that for?" Malfoy spat and gave Blaise a look that said clearly: You will pay. Blaise had to admit, at that moment Draco Malfoy was very scary. "You little bitch…!"

Malfoy made as to strike, but Blaise was ready. His fist burrowed itself deep within Malfoy's stomach and the blonde fell to the floor in a couching fit. Blaise could tell there would be hell to pay later by the look in Malfoy's slivered eyes, but at the moment he really didn't care.

"For Merlin's sake, go snog Potter!" Blaise said before he turned and stomped from the room, leaving a very hurt and confused Malfoy behind him.

"Stupid prat," he muttered darkly. "Can't he see I'm wearing pants…?" But then, Blaise said to himself, Millicent also wore pants occasionally.

Blaise walked through the doorway, turned the way he had come and slammed into something wet and hairy. He yelped involuntarily and sprang back.

"Hey there."

Marcus Flint stood with his broom over his shoulder, his dark eyes focused down on Blaise's lithe form. He was obviously back from Quidditch practice. Blaise could tell from the unsavory aroma of body odor radiating from his sweaty body. But worst of all, Flint was shirtless, sporting his hair-covered torso.

Blaise clawed at his face in a vain attempt to swipe Flint's sweat away, nearly gagging.

"Might want to watch where you're going, cutie," Flint said winking. Needless to say, Blaise was utterly appalled.

With one swift movement his knee had collided with Flint's manhood. The Quidditch player was on the ground in a moaning heap and Blaise was exiting the hall by the time the chaser had come to his senses.

"You! You fucking bitch!" Flint's curses range through the hall and chased Blaise as he entered the common room. It was crowed by this time and most people had stopped their conversations to stare at the fuming Blaise.

"What's wrong?" Theodore Nott called from his original seat.

Blaise causally picked a green apple up from its resting spot on one of the small tables and hurled it at Nott's head. He was mildly surprised by his accuracy as the apple collided with his target's right eye. Without responding Blaise headed for the exit.

"Geez," Pansy Parkinson said turning to her friend, Millicent, as the door slammed closed. "What's _her_ problem?"

Outside, it was much darker. Blaise didn't care; the dungeons were fine for him. The less people around, the less people to suddenly take an interest in him. He suddenly wondered thoughtfully, if somehow he was part veela.

Probably, he reasoned, probably.

As he exited the dungeons a shrill whistled echoed behind him. Blaise spun, ready to hex the life out of the caller, but decided against it as Peeves the poltergeist laughed wildly and ducked through the wall.

The Great Hall was nearly empty when Blaise stormed in. There were a few members of each house left and across the room he could see the Gryffindor Golden Trio huddling over something. Blaise paid them no attention; they were after all, Draco Malfoy's priority.

Blaise tried to concentrate on where to hide. He wouldn't be able to get back into the Slytherin common room for while. The best he could do was hideout and pay a first year to retrieve his needed book bag and supplies. He was glad to have some money on him.

The library would be essential for now. But Blaise pondered where to go after curfew…

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

Blaise felt his heart rate rise. Draco Malfoy, flanked by Crabb and Goyle, Marcus Flint, and a black-eyed Theodore Nott were emerging from the dungeons. Blaise noticed instantly that their wands were drawn.

"Shit," Blaise muttered. "Shit, shit, shit!"

"Shit is right," Malfoy said coldly. "You filthy, little, whore..."

Blaise gulped, there was now way to outrun them. No professors in sight… what had he been thinking staying in the great Hall.

"HEY!"

The shout rang through the hall and all heads snapped toward Ronald Weasley. He was approaching Malfoy with a flustered look on his face. Harry Potter and a hesitant Hermione Granger were following him.

"I knew Slytherins were low… " Weasly was prattling on, but Blaise was quickly devising a plan of escape. "…I never through you'd prey on a innocent _girl_!"

Blaise flushed, "I am not a…!"

"Shut you're mouth Weasel!" Malfoy shouted, thoroughly enraged. "Can't you goodie-goodies mind your own damn business!"

"That little bitch has some explaining to do!" Flint added.

"Just leave her alone!" Harry Potter said, casting a quick glance at Blaise. Without his tie and cloak it was impossible to tell he was a Slytherin. Blaise (again) found himself wondering if he was a visibly a Slytherin, would the Golden Trio have helped him. He doubted it.

"What do twisted people want with her anyway," Granger asked fiercely drawing her wand.

"Bugger off!" Nott yelled and jumped for Blaise. Fortunately Granger hit him with an impressive spell, sending him into Crabb and Goyle.

Blaise did the only thing he could think of at the moment, he ran. Shout of "hey!" and cursed trailed after him. Blaise didn't stop, even when he smashed into a very startled Oliver Wood, who sent him an odd look. Finally, knees, giving out, Blaise slowed to a jog and then a walk.

He checked his surroundings… he was somewhere in the third floor. There was a solid wall in front of him and he slumped against it.

"ZABINI!"

Voiced and footsteps were getting closer. Blaise, panic stricken, look from side to side like a trapped animal. In fact, he was trapped. It wasn't hard for the other Slytherins to follow his whirlwind of destruction; tons of students had seen him streaking through the halls.

"Very bright, Blaise," he muttered. "Just a fucking genius…"

"There you are!" Nott said walking up. Blaise bit back his laughter; Theodore was sporting a red and blue pokey-dotted head of bright hair. Draco appeared, fine, but flushed. It was Marcus was also all right. Blaise suspected Crabb and Goyle had taken the hexes meant for the latter two.

Blaise took a breath, "Listen to me before you do anything!"

"Fine… What is… it?" Malfoy nodded catching his breath. Flint crossed his arms, while Theodore stood looking murderous – though the hair had lessened the sinister expression on his thin face.

Blaise opened his mouth, "I just think you should know…"

"MALFOY!" the Golden Trio. Blaise groaned and slammed his head sideways against the cold stone. Somehow it felt a bit satisfying.

"You again!" Malfoy stood up straight.

Harry Potter stepped forward challengingly, "Yeah, us, Malfoy. Let her alone, will you!"

"This isn't any of your…" Nott.

"Yes, it is!" Granger. "I have a vague idea of what you might want to do with her. Look at her! She's frightened of you!" Blaise felt his cheeks flame.

"Bugger off…"

Where was a professor when you needed one?

"You were…"

"…Mudblood!"

"…going to rape her!" Blaise's eyes widened in surprise.

"What?"

"You prejudice Gryffindors…" Flint, this time. "Why would we do that to another…"

"You're filthy!" Potter.

"She's just a helpless, little, girl!" Granger, again.

"ENOUGH! YOU IMICILES! CAN' YOU TELL?"

The six froze suddenly as Blaise's voice filled the corridor; somehow it was stronger. Blaise pushed himself off the wall, approaching them with an unreadable look of loathing in his eyes.

"Tell what?" Weasley asked in a smaller voice. Blaise was sure, the red heads was scared and with good reason.

Blaise fixed him with a glare, "I'M A SLYTHERIN! AND FOR GODS SAKE, I'M A _WIZARD_! MALE! NOT A 'GIRL', NOT A 'BITCH'!" He turned his merciless gaze to the Slytherins. They were looking quite horror-struck, especially Nott and Malfoy.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" He found himself shouting again. "I WEAR PANTS! I SLEEP IN THE _BOYS_ DORMATORY! THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU _SOME_ KIND OF CLUE!"

"Oh," Potter said quietly. He looked somehow taken aback.

Blaise nodded toward the continuing corridor, "Fight your own battles, Gryffindors."

"Typical," Blaise heard Weasley mutter. "Try to help a Slytherin out…"

"Hush, Ron!" Granger's face was flushed.

Blaise turned toward his fellow housemates and crossed his arms. They were looking at him with laughable expressions. Blaise raised an eyebrow.

"Alright," Malfoy said smartening up. "What'll this cost?"

Blaise shrugged, "Nothing really… but…" A trademark Slytherin smirk pulled at his lips. "Nott you're paying me your monthly allowance for the remainder of this year, Malfoy you're to do my potions homework for as long a Nott's paying and I better get above S or your father with get a very interesting Penseive." He gave Flint a thoughtful look. "And you, swear on your family you will never ever go shirtless for the rest of your years here."

"Fine," Flint said shrugging. Obviously, he didn't understand what the big deal was about his shirtless-ness.

"Hey, how come he got off easy?" Nott said next to Draco, who nodded indignantly.

"Because," Blaise said simply. "He didn't spread incriminating rumors about 'our exploits'." He shot Nott a heated look. "And he didn't try to take advantage of me." Draco flushed a soft pink.

"Fine," Malfoy snapped. "I'll do it."

"Yeah," Nott said in a pained voice. "Just don't let this spread will you…"

Blaise turned and headed down the corridor. "I'll hold up my end, if you hold up yours."

He sighed in relief as he turned a corner. The three were probably standing in dazed silence. Blaise laughed to himself, at least he'd gotten something out of this. Not a bad day at all.

"Hey!" A new voice.

"What?" Blaise practically growled and turned to face a girl.

She blinked and giggled, "I know this is kind of weird, but…" Blaise barely recognized her, a Ravenclaw, Padma Patil… or something. "I was just wondering… what kind of spell do you use on you're hair?"

Blaise blinked, "Spell?"

"You know," Padma said insistently. "How do you get your hair that shade of black, I mean it looks blue and green in different lights… it's just wonderful with your cobalt eyes…" She blushed furiously.

"I, uh, don't use a spell…" In fact, his hair was never black and his eyes… they weren't blue either.

Blaise turned to a window. It was dusk, but his refection in the torchlight was just visible. His pale face was framed by rust colored red hair and his eyes weren't blue, they were a shadowy black. He turned away from Padma and hurried down the corridor.

Once inside the protective Slytherin common room, Blaise approached Pansy and Millicent. He looked a bit panicked.

"What do _you_ want?" Pansy asked.

"What color is my hair?"

Millicent looked confused, "Black, why?"

Fin.

Recently I found out Blaise's sexuality and I decided to write something to cure boredom, promote boy!Blaise and prove I have the ability to write something humorous… I'm still not sure about the last one, though.

Since no one knows what he looks like exactly, I decided to have some fun with that element. Ah, poor Blaise, how I torture thee.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except the concept of Blaise's physical form… but that's all.

_As quoted for the Harry Potter Lexicon: _

_"__Blaise Zabini's gender is now confirmed by JKR: he's a wizard. JKR passed the word along to the Portuguese translation team when they were working on revising the translations of the novels. (6/15/04)"___

Review?


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